Dan and Danielle share their experiences with and perspectives on the first look tradition. From the emotional benefits to the creative alternatives, they unpack how it can affect the day.
What's the purpose of a first look, and why do some couples choose to break tradition? Settle in for a candid conversation about the emotional and logistical aspects of first looks. From the tap-on-the-shoulder moment to creative alternatives, this episode unravels the layers of the first look dilemma. Discover how this decision impacts your wedding timeline, emotions, and overall experience.
00:00
Hey, Ringers, welcome to the Put a Ring on It podcast where we are all about sharing helpful and practical tips for anyone and everyone that is planning a wedding. I'm Dan Moyer of Daniel Moyer Photography. And I'm Danielle Pasternak of DPNAK Events. What are we talking about today, Dan? Today, we're keeping it really simple. And we're talking about first looks.
00:34
Okay, I feel like there is a lot of information out there about first looks already. Actually, I don't know if there's a lot of first looks information, but the way that we talk about it, we have a very special approach to first looks, don't we? Because this is something that I caught you off guard with years ago, when I said that I hated them. And you were like, what? And, and then we talked about it.
01:03
And then I realized that like, I don't really hate them. I just dislike them in certain scenarios. So before we get into that, that was the teaser to this episode, right? Like, what controversy? Drama. Step aside Real Housewives. Here comes Dan the drama. So so let's talk about it first. What is a first look? Danielle? Mm hmm. Right. There's also called I've seen him called reveals also.
01:33
Yeah, I guess we can keep it simple. So the first look is the moment that happens between the couple when they see each other for the first time on the wedding day, but it's not when they're at the ceremony and a person is kind of walking down the aisle. It happens usually a few hours beforehand so that instead of waiting until the ceremony to see each other, they see each other before, take photos together and they get to be with their person. Right, but why would a couple...
02:00
want to see each other before the ceremony? Like, what's the what's the purpose of it? So many purposes. So many much purposes. I think it depends a lot for everybody. I think there are a few different reasons you can do it. I think the thing I hear most often is they want to be able to enjoy as much of their wedding day, both with their person.
02:26
and with the guests that they've invited to come celebrate with them. So if a ceremony is happening and then everybody's going right to a cocktail hour afterwards, if a couple hasn't yet spent time together taking photos, doing photos with their wedding party if they have them or their family members, then they kind of miss a lot if not all of cocktail hour to go up and do that. So for a lot of couples to have that time beforehand,
02:50
Not to say as it gets those photos out of the way, because I don't like necessarily that thought process with it, but it gets that done at a time where you're otherwise not necessarily going to be doing anything else, you know, necessarily. So it makes a little bit more use of your day. You're able to see each other for more of the day. And I think we've talked about this before, Dan, where I'm a person, I find a ton of comfort in my partner, right? If I'm having anxiety or if I'm having nerves or excitement or whatever it is,
03:20
being with him is what helps to kind of call me and re-center me and he's my rock, he's my person. And I think vice versa. So for couples that are similar, it helps and there's a lot of comfort when you're able to kind of see your person. It's great too when there's not 150 eyeballs looking at you as this moment happens. It's a little bit more private. So 75 people, 150 eyeballs, 75 people. Yeah.
03:43
Yeah, this is a smaller wedding. And some people might be winking, so it might be like 90, who knows. Yeah, or maybe some people are sneezing and they don't see it at all. Yeah, so many math factors. We're yawning. Yeah. What is happening right now? I'm sorry, I derailed us. No, no, no, it's okay. But yeah, I think it's, you know, there's a few different reasons. I think those being able to make the most of the day.
04:09
is kind of the biggest part of it. So they can really be fully present and enjoy each moment as it's happening. I think that when you see each other for the first time as a couple, it feels really natural to want to hug, embrace, squeeze, scream, cry, laugh, get out all the feels that you're feeling. And sometimes your ceremony is not necessarily the right place for that. I mean,
04:35
in my opinion, and it should be totally fair across the board. But you know, sometimes that's not always the time or place to really have all those feelings. No, I don't know. It'd be adorable if that happened that way. Okay, I want to pause for a second and go back to something that you said a minute ago, which is you said like, make the most of the day. Like those were the words you said for people who are couples want to like make the most of the day. Can we unpack that a little bit? Because I feel like there are scenarios in which it makes a lot of sense to do a first look.
05:03
right? And some other ones where it's like maybe more personal preference where you're like, I don't want to do a first look like when you really have built it up in your mind, like I did to see my wife at the end of the aisle in the church and all that kind of stuff. So let's unpack that whole idea of like making the most of the day because I think there's a lot in that work could be timeline or personal things or getting the emotions out of the way or whatever it is. Yeah, I mean, timelines become a little bit regional. But here in here on the East Coast, I would say that
05:30
when there's a wedding that's happening where it's like ceremony into cocktail hour, into reception, where things are pretty much back to back. Yeah, like all the same venue, you mean like exactly all the same space. Yeah. Or even really, really close that it's, you know, people are just really immediately going from one thing to the other. Those weddings are often starting at 4 PM or I would say later in the day, like usually between four and six is when that's starting some earlier, some later, but that's the average I would say from what I see. So with that in mind, if you're getting up, you know, in the morning, that is still eight.
05:59
that you're spending apart from each other in getting ready and doing all of those things. And for a lot of it, if you're not taking first look photos, you don't need that much time to kind of get ready and do all of those things. There are still some photos that happen separately beforehand, before the ceremony starts, but otherwise there's a little bit more, I would say downtime in the morning. And for some couples that actually works really well. But if you want to...
06:28
be a person that and a couple that is more present at your cocktail hour, more interacting with your guests and doing all of that, which that's not right or wrong one way or the other. I always kind of liken it to the idea that when, if you ever have or ever thought about going to Disney, but you're like, you're a kid and your mom just wants to take photos of you in front of the castle and you're like, I just wanna go on the rides.
06:56
That's kind of what photos during cocktail hour can feel like for some couples is like, I don't wanna take photos now, I wanna go on the rides. I wanna go have those awesome appetizers and hors d'oeuvres that we like painstakingly chosen at our tasting. And I wanna have the signature drink and I wanna be with our friends and our family members. So sometimes when we're planning the day, we have to remember like who we are as people. If we're not people that...
07:20
really naturally love getting our photos taken and all these photos, photos, photos, then it can be a really hard thing to not enjoy your cocktail hour with those people. So with that in mind, if you do first looks, you're able to kind of use the different chunks of your day a little bit more intentionally so that when all of your guests are busy arriving to the area or getting dressed or doing whatever, the first time you're really gonna see them is at the ceremony and then.
07:46
then you're all together for the rest of the for the rest of the wedding. But the time before that, those guests aren't there. They're off doing their own thing. So that's kind of your time to get in those photos in front of the Disney Castle and and and not feel like you're having to choose between one thing or the other. Yeah. So I've been thinking about this a lot from the photographer's perspective and from my groom perspective. Right. Like so the photographer's perspective is like, OK, I used to not like it because I thought it was sort of like just about the photos, like like we're
08:16
we're seeing each other early, we're quote, breaking tradition to see each other early, because you know, we want to get the photos out of the way. Part of me is like, man, like, I just wish that, like, it's really great. Like, my job is really important, right? Like, very important job, but I'm not
08:33
the most important person there on the day. So part of it was like, well, why would you spend time with me and like getting these pictures done when you really could just have more memories and more fun stuff with your people who are there to support you. And then you can have like a shorter time later where you just get like wedding pictures done like of the two of you, and wedding party and family. But then the more I thought about it and the more that I'm photographing weddings where they are all at this one location, it makes so much sense.
08:58
to do first looks beforehand where you see your significant other, you get your wedding party pictures done, you get your family pictures done. And then you just have like the whole day to really get lost in it. Versus like doing the ceremony and then having this break for photos. And then you have to get like back into like, when you have everything all in one place, you just sort of get like swept up and getting lost in the moment.
09:23
And I love that for people to be really not have to have you just have the whole rest of the day to just enjoy your friends and your family and all that stuff. But the opposite is from the groom's perspective, right, where I'm somewhat of a sentimentalist, I'm a traditionalist, and I built up this, this vision of my wife, like walking down the aisle to me and she had the long veil and like all those things. And and I love that. And but I also am a people person and really wanted to see our guests and spend lots of time with them.
09:52
So our answer to that was like, we do the traditional ceremony early in the day, I think we had a two o'clock ceremony. And then we had a pretty significant break, I think, two or three hours in between. And then the reception started at five. Yeah, and that worked. But then that's a whole other conversation of like, what do people do during that time and all that. But yeah, it's about I think, knowing yourself and what's gonna
10:15
give you the big feels. Yeah, I think that's one of those things though, you really only have that option to have that gap in between when the ceremony is taking place at a different location. At a church or something. Right, but most venues aren't going to bring every, you're not gonna bring everybody to the same venue and then just stop everything for two or three hours while you go off and do photos. And I say that because I did have a couple once say like, well, can't we just wait an hour before cocktail hour starts? It's like, well, what are your guests doing during that time? And they eventually were like, oh.
10:45
Duh, right. But like that was what they thought could be a solution for it. So I think that really works well if the ceremony is happening offsite because you do get that time. And that is that time. I think it's something where traditionally guests are aware of that gap that happens. That's usually a great time that they'll go back to the hotel and check in. Some people will go home and change, whatever it is. I usually say when you're planning it all, it's actually better to have a little bit more time.
11:14
than less time. Like if it's only a half an hour to an hour, your guests aren't gonna be able to actually do anything. So what's gonna happen is they end up just showing up at your venue too early. So having more time is kind of a win-win for everybody. And it kind of goes from there. I do wanna talk about though, the idea of, like what you said was like, hey, if we do, if we don't do first looks, then we just kind of knock it all out after. I think it's important to always remember to.
11:42
what your expectations are as the couple, because any photographer, I don't care how incredible and amazing their work is, they still need time in order to do what it is you've hired them to do, right? Like as you're looking at a photographer's portfolio and you're looking at their Instagram and you're seeing all these wonderful photos.
12:07
some things happen very candidly. And to me, I think it's a much more common style of photography now than it was back in the 90s. And like everything was so posed then, right? Like everything is about photo journalistic and these candid moments, but there's still that time that needs to be set aside to get the other photos, the ones that you see that you really fall in love with. So I think...
12:30
you want to balance both your wants for the day and your needs for the day and like what you really want with still having that be a very back and forth open conversation with your photographer to say, okay, like, what do you need to make this to do your magic stuff? You know, I mean, right? Yeah, it's like a trust in time thing. Like, yeah, two most important things you can give your photographer trust and time. And this is also tricky, because it's also painting with sort of a broad brush where there are
12:59
photographers who are going to request two hours for for photos with just the two of you and maybe like a little bit with wedding party and, and your family, right. And that's not unusual, right? Very common. They're gonna, they're gonna also want, you know, they're one an hour to photograph details and all these different things. Then on the other end of the spectrum, I have several one to one coaching photographers who they're 100% documentary. And that's what the couple wants. That's right. Like, maybe maybe 95% where
13:29
you're doing like very minimal portraits, maybe just one smiley in the camera portrait of the two of you in a small grouping of just like the immediate family and like that's it. And so they've got like a 15 minute window because all they want is just to forget about the pictures are very important. But all they want is just to forget about the fact that it's like this very scheduled wedding day and they just want to spend the time with their friends and family and have candid pictures of that. And so like
13:57
it's a conversation with your photographer, like what does your photographer need in order to do the job that you hired them for? Right, right. Because you you fell in love with their work and with them for a reason. So sometimes you sometimes what feels like, oh, that photo just feels so effortless. And oh, that just happened. Sometimes did take a bit of time either to set up the lighting for it or the you know, the sun had to be in the right spot or the cloud had to move like
14:25
so many factors kind of come into play with that. And this is where when you work with somebody who's so experienced, they're able to guide you and yeah, trust in time. That's such a good way to put it. Yeah, it's funny that you mentioned like, like that effortless looking picture. Every single time that like the portrait session happens, whether it's an engagement session, or it's the photos on the wedding day. It's weird having your picture taken. Like, it's weird, I have to warm up in the like in in sort of the morning to like get my
14:53
creative juices flowing, whatever. And you go from like, you're hanging out with your your friends and you're popping bottles and having all this fun stuff. And all of a sudden, it's like, okay, now it's time to stand and smile or stand and kiss or stand and hug and whatever. And it takes you a little bit to get into the zone. Also, very rarely do I pull out my camera in like that portrait session time. And does magic happen? It takes like a little bit for me to like, get the couple loosened up and for them to feel comfortable.
15:22
even if we've done engagement pictures already. It takes a little bit to like feel comfortable in front of the camera and almost forget about the camera a little bit. That's such a good point. I've never, that's a very, very valid point. I've never really presented that as a factor, but that's so true. Yeah, I mean, right? Like that first photo, it's like you're like that kid in middle school again, where like your smile's all weird and you're like your chin's doing funny stuff. And like. Yeah.
15:49
What is what am I doing with my arms like you're channeling like America's next top model Tyra Banks and you're like smizing but you're really just squinting. Yeah. It's like you like. Till you get like back in your body again right. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. On Saturday you know and this happens almost every first look. It's like the first look happens. Somebody's walking up to each other and they turn around they see each other. They maybe hold hands they hug and then there's this like okay.
16:15
Now what do we do now? Like, like, are we are we like going to like they expect like some more? I don't know. They expect to like, they're just not sure what to do. And so it took me a while to figure out like, for me to say, just forget about me until I tell you to do something. Right. Until I tell you, hey, we're gonna go do portraits. And usually all I'll just notice that, you know, they're, they're sort of ready to move on. But still, even after that, like, they're just stiff.
16:44
And they're just like not in Yeah, they're not like in their body. And it's like this collective gasp that you are not gasp sigh, deep like exhale, whatever you want to call it, where they're just finding like, mouth here. Okay. Yeah. All the air words. But yeah, they like, you know, when they're wrapped up in each other for a second, they there's this like tension because they've just seen each other and all that. And finally, like they they like release some of that. And then they get into like these very natural looking poses where
17:14
You know, I can pull laughs out of them and say weird things to make them feel awkward. That also then makes them laugh. It's funny. That's right. Actually, I'm curious if you get this. I feel like recently I've had a lot of couples say, we want to do photos together, but we don't want to do the whole like tap on the shoulder, turn around first look moment. And I am very consistently saying that's not what it...
17:39
has to be. It's not that hardly anymore. Right, right. But I think when it's talked about, that's kind of the image that gets put in mind is like one person is facing away, the other person walks up, taps on the shoulder, they turn around, they go, ah, you know, yeah. Um, I think that's a lot of expectation then to like, have a reaction, you know, it feels a little bit less genuine to who they are. Um, versus it just kind of maybe happening, not to say a little bit more.
18:07
Naturally, but not more natural to who they are as as individual people Yeah, let's talk about that a little bit like like what I've seen more lately. So let's talk about you know a heterosexual couple, right? Groom standing away rise coming up behind him. Whatever The way that I have set that up and I whenever I second shoot with other photographers they are everybody handles it slightly different. Yes. I What I like to do is I will literally like
18:35
tell the bride to stand in one spot and I'll say I'm gonna go get myself set up, count to 30. And then just walk up and stop like 10 feet from him and be like, Hey, baby, turn around or whatever, say whatever you want. And usually that that releases a little bit of tension whenever I do my lady. Right. And I'm just like, and then just forget about me just hug each other. Because what happens is when you when you like tap the groom on the shoulder, he just turns around and hugs you right away. He doesn't get to see you.
19:01
in the all the work and thought and question and all that stuff that you put into this, you have to stop a little bit away. And then you like walk up and hug each other, whatever. But, you know, I photographed two women a couple weeks ago. And not like it, that doesn't make any sense for like, like one person to get all of the joy of seeing the other person's dress or whatever. So and I've done this even with, you know, I've done this with all formations of couples, where
19:31
this couple in particular, I put them on opposite corners of a building. And they looked away from the corner and I said, put your arms out. And they like reached first and like touched each other. So it's like a first feel. And then they turned around the corner to see each other at the same time. So it's a very equal way for them to see each other where neither of them get a glimpse first and they sort of come around this corner to see each other. And I did that.
19:59
in a hotel lobby with you know, a couple earlier this year, a bride and a groom where they didn't want the typical like, Oh, I just want to tap him on the shoulder, whatever they came out of the corners from behind this column to see each other and, and it was lovely. There was a surprise for both of them. They didn't get each neither of them got like a little glimpse before the other or anything. Do you mean, right? It put them each on equal footing, I think. Yeah, yeah. But that depends on a couple, right? Sometimes, you know, I think I do hear it often.
20:28
that with opposite sex couples where a groom will say, I want to see her for the first time walking down that aisle. I don't want to see her all dressed up beforehand. And I think it's a tough thing because I think sometimes we're either taught as kids or something about our life experiences puts that thought in the head that like, if that walk down an aisle moment is going to be really big.
20:57
And anytime that ever comes up, I always kind of say like, you know, like you know what your person looks like. This is not an arranged marriage situation where you're like, hey, what do we get when we lift up the veil that, you know. Exactly. This is a situation where you know each other, not just well, you know each other intimately. You know what that person looks like. That...
21:21
day that person is still going to look like that person, but this time, you know, they're about to be your spouse. That's a really big deal. And that's a really fun thing. That energy and the anticipation and all of those feelings that happen when your person is walking down the aisle towards you. And this is not necessarily just opposite sex, it's any couple. That excitement and anticipation is still there and has very, very little to do with what that person is wearing.
21:50
I think that that makes it a little bit extra, that makes it whatever, but those feelings don't come from their outfit. I mean, maybe a part of it does because it's that big moment, but it's them, it's their spirit, their body, their mind walking down towards you to make this commitment to you. That's where the emotion comes from. And I don't think seeing each other beforehand, in my opinion, doesn't take away from that feeling. Yeah.
22:16
I've had couples who are hesitant, right? Like, one of them really wants to do the first look to get it sort of done and and have like those big feels and have that private moment. One of them doesn't. And so what I would say is like, if you're going to wear a wedding dress on your wedding day, and you're thinking about also having a veil, I've told couples like I've told the bride, like, don't do the first look without the veil on love that. So then you still have like something special where you're, you're getting the first look done, you're getting all the pictures done, whatever, but then you still have this
22:42
change in your appearance, this veil, whatever it is, to say that here's something a little bit different. There's still like a little bit of surprise as we're walking down the aisle. And a lot of couples are like, oh, I like that. Yeah, that's a great way to do it. It's like the best of both worlds a little bit. Right. I mean, or at least it's an option to consider, right? If it's like, oh, that does feel good. Everything that we talk about on this podcast is about helping you talk through what it is that feels good to you. If you're listening to this, going, I don't...
23:09
care what you say, we don't want to do a first look then, yeah, buddy, stop the episode now like just like, hey, but like you then you could feel confident saying like, no, I had all the facts. I made a decision that feels good to me and us. Yeah, part of me feels like bad sometimes. Because so many times I think couples really like tell me what to do. Like just tell me what to do. I just want I just need the help. It's like there's just so many factors to consider. And there's like there's very rarely are
23:39
we ever on this podcast, like do this thing. It's like, No, you really got to like, search for like what you want. And what's gonna make you happy and think about it because this is because something is meaningful and thoughtful. To me doesn't mean that it's gonna be for somebody else, right? Like, the vast majority of my couples do first looks, but I did not want one because I, like I said, I earlier, I'm that traditionalist, I wanted to see my wife walking down the aisle, blah, blah, blah. And, and it just worked with our day to if we would have had everything all at one.
24:08
spot, you better believe that we probably would have had to do a first look because I would have loved to spend more time with people during the cocktail hour, you know, but yeah, I'm sorry that there's no like, this is what you do, you should do this, you should not do that. It's just, it's about being self aware enough to say, Okay, I think this is a good idea. Even if I have some initial hesitancy behind it, I still think this is gonna be a good idea because the benefit is going to be getting to see our people longer getting to do this getting to get lost in the day, whatever it is.
24:38
Totally agree. Any final thoughts? Things that are rolling around in that big brain of yours before we wrap it up? I feel like, yeah, I feel like I unpacked all of it. I my whole suitcase is unpacked. Your first look suitcase. It was a tiny is your first look suitcase. A big I have no tiny suitcases, my friend. OK, all right. Would you like to take us out?
25:02
I would. Put A Ring On A Podcast is co-hosted by wedding planner Danielle Pasternak and photographer Daniel Moyer, both based out of the greater Philadelphia area. The show is produced by DPNAK Events along with Daniel Moyer Photography. Find us on Instagram at Put A Ring On A Podcast and don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Finally, thank you so much for all of your messages, your love, your support. We are and have always been cheering for you every step of the way.
25:31
Until next time, Ringers.