We're talking about navigating ALL of the decisions that need to be made when planning a wedding.
Planning a wedding involves about .1% eating cake and 99.9% making decisions (so unfair). In this episode, we talk about how to navigate the MANY decisions involved in planning a wedding. Danielle talks about checklists (shocker) and Dan dives into the stuff from the heart.
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00:01
Hey, ringers, welcome to the Put a Ring on a Podcast where we are all about sharing helpful and practical tips for anyone and everyone who is planning a wedding. Hey, I'm Dan Moyer of Daniel Moyer Photography. And I'm Danielle Pasternak of DPNAK Events. What are we talking about today, Dan? Today, we are talking about decision-making while planning your wedding.
00:34
All right, Danielle, so you work with a lot of couples and you are there sort of through the thick of it all through the wedding planning and all that stuff where I, I usually come in right on the wedding day. Um, you are there with couples through a lot of the heavy lifting and you coach them through this process of like trying to, you know, figure out what their wedding vision is. But before even that, right before the budget, before all that kind of stuff, I think couples have to figure out what's important to them, right?
01:02
and they have to get everybody on the same page before they can even start making decisions about flowers and vendors and decorations and all that kind of stuff. And you're somebody who has definitely talked about, you know, getting everybody on the same page through communication. You've definitely somebody who's talked about like sort of a mission statement or just like that kind of thing. So before you even like get into all of the actual stuff, what should that communication look like or what should that like mission statement look like or how can couples start to make decisions and get everybody on the same page?
01:32
Yeah, well, I mean, there are, I mean, like one, two, seven, three billion decisions when it comes to planning a wedding. I mean, there's your bigger decisions, where are we getting married? What day are we getting married? And then there's like the micro decisions of like, well, do we want green beans or do you want asparagus? And do we want white and lit napkins or off white napkins? There were like all the other billion colors, right? But there are.
01:59
There are, and when you are at the beginning of the process, looking down the road of that three plus billion tasks, it's incredibly exciting and very, very wonderful, but it's also potentially daunting and absolutely terrifying because you go, okay, one wrong step here or one wrong decision and like, what if it just all crumbles and suddenly, yeah, exactly. And then we're showing up to our wedding and it's not at all what we wanted. And...
02:28
when you are making decision after decision after decision, you go through different phases and different moods, I would even say, of being like, this is an exciting decision and we're gonna really take our time and think on it. And then you're like, screw this, I can't make another decision. Pick the blue one, I don't care. You know what I mean? Which you will then overthink for the next week. Congratulations. But.
02:53
you're going to, because you're probably planning this over an extended period of time, you're not planning a wedding in an hour after noon lunch, right? You're, there's a lot of time that's going to be passing as you're planning it. So when you're starting, I think it's so important to sit down with your partner and sit down with those that are contributing their opinions or money or energy in any way to the wedding planning process and say, what do we wanna do here? Because...
03:22
if you are a person who has attended weddings or you've grown up watching weddings on TV or in movies, guilty, you have a bunch of different visions in your head. And I think that each person's vision is unique to their own worldview and to their own life experiences. So as you're sitting down with your partner and whoever else is really directly involved in planning, it's easy to kind of assume that what you want and what you think is going to be fun for your wedding
03:52
is the same as maybe what your other person's is. And that doesn't mean if it's different that this is going to fail, but I think it's better to come to the table without assuming that, well, of course we want everybody to dance because your partner might be like, of course we wanna serve like the best food ever. And if you come together in the beginning saying, okay, what is our North Star? What do we want to do? What is important to us? Even if it's different, you can find the...
04:19
you know, that middle area where it all comes together, it all marries together. Finding that common ground. Finding that common ground seamlessly. And then you can start making decision after decision with each decision, then pointing back to that original mission statement, that original conversation of what do we want this thing to look like? Okay. So you like sit down with the people who are super important to you, who are, you know, your partner, maybe it's parents, maybe it's, you know, whoever those like important
04:49
uh, adding money, adding energy, whatever it is. And so what do you want out of that meeting though? Is it like, okay, these are the three things that are super important to us. And like, this is the things that are going to be important. We spend money on those. We can look at those as the budget and then the other stuff can sort of fall by the wayside. Like, like, is there something tangible that from that meeting we should try to get? Yeah. I mean,
05:13
This is where I think personalities differ. For me, I'm a list person, so right away, I would make a list and demand others in the room make their list. And then we cross reference our lists and then we just go from there. And then we cross reference our lists and we cross off the common nanometers and we put stars and there's like a whole numbering checklist symbol system, but not everybody's like that. So I think it has to start with, okay, what do we like?
05:43
What do we enjoy when we go to weddings? Are there like certain expectations that we have? You know, if there's a certain formality that a parent wants to make sure is part of that, then that's a conversation that needs to happen well before a venue is selected. Because if parents are expecting a very formal black tie event, and you as the couple are trying to plan this really cool casual vibe in a barn, then there's going to be a clash of the titans eventually, if not immediately.
06:11
somewhere down the road, those things are gonna clash. And after you've made too many decisions, then it's tough. So yeah, I guess my brain goes immediately to a list, but you're not a list person. So I'm curious, what would you do in that situation? I would do what my wife and I did when we got married, which was like, it was sort of a list, but for me it was like priorities, right? Because as you know, like I'm somebody who likes to be a center of attention. Although in my old age, I'm definitely like enjoying my, like sitting in the hammock in my backyard, like
06:40
by myself time as well. I don't think that's old age. I think that's being a dad with young children. Just let me sit here quietly, please. So I'm like about, okay, I wanna know like, what's the vibe at our wedding gonna be, right? And for us it was about the guests, right? And I think that's probably the logical next point of like our conversation on this podcast is like thinking about guests and guest experience and making decisions from that perspective.
07:09
like that's where we went. And it was okay, our priorities that we put out, which was like a great experience for the guests. So that was a good, good food, good music, and like a cool venue to be at, or like a beautiful space to be at. That was something that guests could enjoy. And all that's and then obviously for us, it was photography, because I'm a photographer, but you know, I think that's where we came from, which was like the energy or like how can we give people a great
07:39
on board with that vision of a good experience for our guests and that kind of stuff. Yeah, I think something I hear often, because it's a question we talk about kind of in one of our first conversations when I'm talking with a couple is like, what do you want from this? And I think so often the easiest default answer is, well, we just want everybody to have fun. And it's like- So big, right. Right, yeah, right. And not wrong. Like who's gonna say like, we just-
08:06
We just want people to be like really bored. But what's fun though? And want to be going home. Right, exactly, what is fun? Because everybody defines fun a little bit differently. For some it's like a disco on the dance floor all night long. And for others it's like, no, we just want like really good conversation around a beautiful table of great food. Or it's like, no, fun is this like really wonderful celebration around our vows. And fun is defined differently by different people. Even
08:35
even yourself as you're kind of talking, you're gonna see as you kind of start word vomiting out different things, which if you can't make a list, might be the way to be like, I'm just gonna ramble and see if there's like a common thread here throughout all of this is like, these are the things that I really want people to enjoy. One of the questions I like to ask is like, when everybody's leaving the wedding, what are they turning to the person that they came with or their friend or their group? And what are they saying to each other? Are they saying like,
09:02
Oh my gosh, that was the best party ever. Or was that like, oh, that was, oh, what a great band. Or like, or on the opposite side of it is like, there really wasn't enough food there. Or like, oh, that was like, the venue was like a little janky. You know, like those are the things that you're like. Janky. I don't know, it's what they're taking away from it, right? And if you think back to, if you've ever attended a wedding, if you think back, there are, you don't.
09:27
You don't leave saying nothing. I mean, if you do, I guess you're just indifferent. And I don't know if that's a great thing either, but you want people leaving feeling something. The same way as if you were hosting any other event or party at your house even, you want people going, that was a really great time. I'm really happy we left our couch and we got out of our comfy pants and put on some, I'm glad I shaved my legs to go to that thing, is what you want them to say. Okay.
09:55
So what I'm hearing in there is like two things. There's like these decisions that you make as a couple for you as the couple, right? Like you're saying the vows are really important to us. The vows are really important to me. I want people to know that we put some thought and effort into that part of things, right? And there's also the guests that you're, or there was also the decisions that you're making for your guests, right? Like I want them, what are the four things you always say about like guest experience? What is that?
10:25
On the spot, putting you on the spot, putting you on the spot. No, I, it's not on the spot at all. I talk about this so much. I go on a soapbox often that there's four things that you need to do in order to win weddings, right? Like- All the weddings. To host, really to host any event, right? Because I think it's easy to get lost on a rabbit hole of Pinterest and Instagram inspiration and all the things and seeing all these really wonderful-
10:50
And also expensive things that might be out of your budget and going, oh, we don't have that massive escort board sign at our wedding, people won't be happy. It's like, well, will you impress them if you have it there? Sure, but no one's gonna be clutching their pearls, gasping if you don't have it there. In the same sense as these four pillar items. So to me, I feel as though the four foundational things to any event, specifically a wedding, is that you need to feed your guests.
11:17
You need to give them something to drink, alcoholic or otherwise it depends on your guest list. You need to entertain them and you need to make sure that they are comfortable. When you do those four things and you can do them to any capacity, if you're feeding them hot dogs or you're feeding them lobster, there just has to be enough so that they leave full and they're not trying to find the nearest McDonald's. Entertainment, same thing. It can be that you've got a massive 16 piece
11:45
band complete with a children's orchestra and a magician show, or you just have like an acoustic guitar person just enjoying playing some music during dinner. There's different levels to all of these things, but if you hit on all of them, then you win. It's just a matter of making the decisions that touch on them. Some are going to touch on more than one. So that once you get to that finish line, you know you have a complete event.
12:14
at your fingertips that your guests are going to enjoy. And not being overwhelmed or like fear of missing out if one of like the things is just like super not important. Right? Like, yes, meet the bare minimum, meet the minimum of like, you know, those four things. But also if, I don't know, if flowers are not like the most important thing to you, right? Like it's okay. You don't have to make like a whole big thing out of flowers. If, right? Like
12:43
I guess the point I'm trying to say is like you get like you said about Pinterest, you can go down this rabbit hole of like, oh, well, the guest experience of entertaining them has to be ballet dancers coming down the aisle first or, you know, a truly like, there's there's to the nth degree, you can take each one of these things. So if each one of those is like a spoke on a wheel or like something right, like you don't have to push every single one out to attend.
13:09
Have you seen this like thing? It's like the spoke wheel of happiness or whatever. There's like four, have you seen this thing? No, I haven't, but continue on. Okay. I'm picturing what you're saying. Yeah, so it's like, all right, if there's like a hub in the center and it's like, this is your wedding and you've got like these four spokes going out, which are the four things you just listed, and you have like one to 10 on all of them, and you wanna push, does each one need to be pushed to a 10? Do you need to have like a 10 in food, a 10 in this,
13:39
drinks, a ten in entertainment, right? Yeah, you definitely don't. I think it's always important that things are proportionate to one another. I don't think it makes a ton of sense for most guests. Well, maybe I don't want to say that. I don't know. This is where you have to know your guests best. My thought was like, you don't want to go really like, um,
14:01
chill on the food with hamburgers and hot dogs, and then spend it all on this really expensive top shelf bar. I mean, I guess you could. I'm not trying to judge or shame or anything like that, but I think keeping it a little bit more proportionate is what's going to make the most sense and result in the best results of people walking away feeling really satisfied with all the things. So.
14:27
It's not so much that you need to push every one of those spokes to attend, but I think if you're going to pull back on any any spokes, it's the spokes that kind of fall in between those keystones, like maybe florals or doing really fancy invitations. And that's not to like poo poo on the part of the wedding industry that is more visual and is more pretty and on all of that. But whether the
14:56
invitation that goes out costs you a dollar or costs you $20 per invitation to send out, it doesn't necessarily change the event and the time that people are going to have there. Does it give your, does it set the tone? Yep. It kind of starts to kick things off. It gives you an idea of what's maybe to come. But overall, I think there's ways that you can say, what are our priorities? And let's put more of our budget to that.
15:26
versus trying to hit, trying to check off that 10 box in every single category and just feeling like we're failing at it all because our budget just isn't able to spread quite as far to cover all those in the way that we want it to, or in the way that Pinterest wants us to, or Instagram wants us to. Yeah, I keep thinking like, like your 10 might be like a six to somebody else or vice versa. True.
15:50
And it's like, you're looking at this wheel. It's like, we all really want it to be like a smooth, perfect wheel with tens and everything. But it's like, there's a point at which you have to like, look at the things that, like you said, I think are in between those spokes and be like, okay, a 10 does not need to be here. A 10 for you might be like, no, we just want like a super chill, like photos are not the most important thing to us. We don't need somebody there who's there for 12 hours from the moment I get up until they go to bed. It's like, no, we just want like a couple of pics. And...
16:19
And we can go because you're having a backyard wedding or whatever it is. And I guess it feels so cliche to be like, Oh, just do what feels right for you or whatever. But I think it goes back to like that conversation you were saying in the beginning where it's like, that's the foundation. It's like, if it's like a flow chart, where it's like, every everything like goes from that one thing, right? Like, if these are the things that are important to you can start drawing lines to that mission statement to that North Star when every decision that you make, right?
16:49
Right. Well, I think it goes back to a few different things. Like if you're, if you, if one of your big things is we really want to give everybody just this nice meal. Well, if the focus is going to be on the table, then it makes a little bit more sense to put more of your energy, more of your resources into and more of your money into a
17:15
hiring a really great caterer or working with a really great chef that's going to create that meal. But it goes then beyond the plate, right? Like part of that, if they're spending a lot of time at the table means maybe you do invest a little bit more into really great centerpieces or great candles that are really going to set the mood or do all that. And maybe entertainment becomes just something that's playing a little bit in the background so that people can just chat. Maybe you don't need a raging band. It's
17:39
kind of finding the balance and building out from it is like, okay, well, if dinner's the focus, we're looking at the plate, we're going beyond the plate. Maybe what you splurge on is getting, you know, renting really interesting, lovely flatware, like forks and knives and things that you're gonna do. Maybe it's renting like a whole table setting, really focusing in on this tablescape. So when people sit down about to eat their food, they're just like, oh my gosh, this is just so beautiful. And you're kind of kicking things off really nicely that way. It's not that, I mean,
18:08
We all, to a certain degree, unless our last name rhymes with Smardashian, we're all working with a certain limited number of resources, right? Like we either have limited. Sorry. That was good. Unless our name rhymes with Smardashian.
18:29
Well, all right. You're saying we all have limited budgets. Is that what you're going to say? Okay. Well, I mean, I think it's we all have limited resources, right? Whether it's whether it is limited budget, limited time, limited energy. I mean, it's just not possible to do all the things like the hashtag, all the things without completely running yourself down. And then you're showing up to your wedding, just a carcass of a being. Right. Like, and you don't want that either. There's only so much that you can do. And.
18:56
Unfortunately, spoiler alert, there's new things coming out all the time. So if you're trying to keep up with what's happening on Pinterest, first of all, what you're seeing on Pinterest is what was happening and what has been happening for years, unfortunately. So don't make, hmm, I don't want to tell you what to do. My gut though is like, if you, if the only reason you're trying to do all the things is to be the next thing that goes viral or, um,
19:24
to outdo somebody else or something else that you saw on Pinterest or Instagram or the Tiki Talks or whatever it is these kids are dealing with. Like challenge yourself and saying, oh, but like, is this really going to add to our event? Is this really aligned with our overall mission statement? Because if it does, great. Find a cool way to do it, to make it yours and to incorporate it in. But if not, let that be a decision that goes, yeah, not doing that thing, right? Like easy, bonus, check off the list. Don't have to do that thing.
19:53
Two, that takes like one, and it takes an incredible amount of courage to like say, I'm gonna do this other thing, even though everybody's going that way. And it takes a lot of self, what's the word I'm looking for? Self actual, nope. Come on brain, what's the word I'm looking for? Self acceptance or self understanding to say like, to be able to recognize that like, this is something that like you really wanna do, but like does it.
20:22
does it really affect our event or like, is it really something we want to do? Um, I think maybe that's like, I don't know. One, it comes back to the North Star mission statement thing, but two, it's like, you have this long, there's some decisions that you can make very quickly, right? It's like, you know, you just burn through those and you try to do them as quick as possible. Then there's all the ones you, I feel like you have to let marinate. It's like, all right, here's this big thing that we really want to do. It's really cool. But is it like the
20:48
the flashy thing that you just want to get because you saw it somewhere else? Is it really going to add to you? Is it really you? Does it say something about your personality or you as a couple or whatever? Is it just like the big flashy thing? Right. And it's okay if you like the big flashy thing. I mean, we all like sparkly objects, right? Like that's I literally had confetti and lights all over our wedding, right? So like, I'm very into the big flashy things. Yeah, and it's, that's okay.
21:19
I think when, but you can't do all the flashy things because then they're all of a sudden, everybody's blinded, right? You can't see anymore because there's so many flashy things going in your eyeballs. Things have more impact when you edit. Who's that person that says, you know, like when you get dressed in the morning and you put on all your accessories, like take one thing off, right? Like it's all about editing before you leave the house. I'm bad at that, but I know that that's a saying. So it's okay to sort of edit and say, ooh,
21:48
How do we feel about this thing? And throw it out there. Put it out into the universe. And by that, I mean like talk to your partner about it. Talk to the people that are in the planning circle with you and see what they say. They might say like, that's a really interesting idea. Or they might say like, okay, but how are we gonna do that? Or hello, talk to your planner, your coordinator and be like, hey, we're thinking about doing this thing because chances are, especially if they're me, I'm gonna figure out.
22:15
is this realistically possible? Are there any pieces of the puzzle that we need to consider here? And then they'll help you unpack it from there. Cause sometimes it can be a cool thing, but like only on paper in real life, it's just not possible. So. This reminds me of when I went to art school and it's like a lot of times you're like holding this project, right? So I, you know, sometimes we'd, you know, I was in painting class. I was in this thing called life drawing. I was in, you know, drawing two, drawing one, three design, all these different things. And across all of the professors,
22:44
you would you'd hear the same thing step back every once in a while, right? So like, I remember drawing having like doing these huge, two huge self portraits, three foot by five foot self portraits of my face, right? Like huge things. I still have them in the basement. They're awesome. What's interesting, though, it's like, when you're working on something close up, you're like, this is awesome.
23:05
I love this. Like, it's so good. Like, my shading is amazing. I'm like, I got the shape of my nose perfect. And then you step back and you're like, Oh, my God, right? Like, you know, it's like, totally, it's totally off. Or you see like this, this, you know, this thing that is a little too much. There's not enough contrast or whatever it is. And I think it's the perfect metaphor for what you said about bringing some other people in it who are like, are
23:30
that you trust and will say things in a gentle and kind way, or maybe they just need to be brutally honest, but it's just about like taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture every once in a while, right? And this whole podcast episode, I don't want to be about like, okay, here's how you make the decision of hiring the photographer. Here's how you make the decision of hiring your planner. Here's how like, this is about like, just the fundamental idea that like, there are a massive amount of decisions to make while planning a wedding.
24:00
it's like it's, it's all the things it's decisions about you decisions about your guests decisions about, you know, the things you're supposed to buy. And and everybody's telling you a lot of different things from different perspectives. But no, it's just so it can just be so tricky. And I think that's why this this conversation about just how you make decisions and where you want to go and the just the mission statement in this like North Star that you're following is the foundation before you actually get into the thick of the quagmire.
24:29
of making those decisions. Look at that. Quagmire. Good word, bonus points for that word. Yeah, I mean, it is, listen, it is overwhelming the amount of decisions that go into a planning a wedding these days. Like it's no longer the cake and punch in the church basement. It can be. That it used to be, right? I mean, it certainly, you're very right. It definitely can be.
24:57
I would love to see more of that, but like it's a bigger production now in most cases. And it's a lot for a lot of couples. This is like a brand new, a whole new world that they're kind of going into. And you're kind of expected to not only plan a really great event, but you're expected to like nail it, shoot it through the roof, you know, five stars all the way on all the things. And that's really a lot of pressure. And you know, as the person planning this event, that each decision
25:25
lends to whether or not this will be a success or not. And that's where I think so many couples will start getting really overwhelmed and really getting worked up because kind of going to what you said. So Dan, as artistic as you are, I feel like I'm the exact opposite in the sense that you know how there's those like, and some of y'all listening will know, there's those like sip and paint or like you drink wine and you paint things, right? I'm not an artist by any stretch,
25:55
That was a fun thing we did with a few friends. And I was actually the opposite. So the closer I was to the thing I was working on, I was like, this is crazy. And you tell me this is gonna look like a cottage with flowers when I'm all done, but I don't think so. But when I was able to step back, no, I'm not saying it was good, but when I was able to step back and kind of blur my eyes a little, it passed as a cottage with flowers. It was beautiful. I mean,
26:22
Again, I'm not an artist, but like in the same sense as sometimes you can be so close to something, loving it and then step back and be like, ooh, we've lost course a little bit. You can also get too close to something and hate it and then need time away and step back and say, actually, this is right and this is the direction we want to be going in. But either way, kind of giving yourself that little bit of space is really helpful, which is why as you're kind of on the trajectory of planning a wedding, having these ebbs and flows where you're making decisions and then you're digesting them.
26:49
and then you're making decisions and then you're digesting them is helpful because you can't, like I said in the beginning, you can't sit down for one hour in some afternoon and just plan this whole thing. Like there's just a little bit more involved than that. So that's where going back to that first conversation that you have, that mission statement, that North Star, whatever it is you want to call it, will help when you start to feel like, gosh, we're in the weeds or like, I cannot.
27:19
I do not have a decision left in my tank to make at this point. When your tank is just empty because life is happening or work is happening or just like I'm sick of making wedding decisions. If you go back to that North Star mission statement, then that should help you point in the direction that you need to be and say like, ah, this is a thing or it's going to tell you, you know what, this decision doesn't matter as much as I think. What do you think? Great. I love that. Done.
27:49
Hell yeah, that is such a beautiful way to end this episode. I love how you brought it all full circle. So Danielle, take us out. You got it. So Put a Ring on a Podcast is co-hosted by wedding planner, Danielle Pasternak and photographer, Danielle Moyer, both based out of the greater Philadelphia area. The show is produced by DPNAK Events along with Danielle Moyer Photography. Find us on Instagram at Put a Ring on a Podcast and don't forget to rate, review and subscribe on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. Finally, ringers, thank you so much for all of your messages. Love.
28:19
and support we are and have always been cheering for you every step of the way. Until next time, Ringers!